Our Loss, Our Heavenly Baby

I’ve been struggling about whether to post about this all week, not knowing if we should share this now, later or never, while knowing that it would be THE hardest post for me to write.  But, this baby deserves to be known and talked about.  He or she IS a part of us and our family, and always will be.  And, I’ve concluded that since I’ve accepted you all as my friends and followers on this blog, it’s only fair that I share our difficulties and not just our triumphs.  Indeed, I’m hopeful something positive, anything positive, will come about through this post.     

When this photo was taken back in July, we were thrilled + couldn’t wait to share the exciting news that we had been blessed with another baby.  It was a really wonderful moment in time.

Sadly, however, exactly one week ago, on September 8th, 2017, our lives were changed forever.  Last Friday morning, our sweet 11 week + 1 day old baby joined Jesus in Heaven.  It was the absolute worst day of our lives and a day that we are still trying to accept, especially given how things had developed in the 6 days leading up to that Friday.  On Saturday, the weekend before, I began to experience some bleeding and cramping.  It was incredibly unusual, as my prior pregnancies with Boston and Navy were virtually flawless until I hit 34 weeks and preeclampsia set in.  Over the course of the next several days, I kept in contact with my doctors and nurses.  The symptoms continued to worsen, and on Wednesday, we went in for a sonogram.  We feared the worst, and the anxiety was difficult.  Very much to our surprise and delight, the baby’s heartbeat was perfect and he/she was moving around, kicking its legs.  The only unexpected piece of information we got was that the baby’s overall size was measured to be around one week earlier, which our NP told us wasn’t necessarily accurate or altogether significant.  Praising Jesus that our baby was okay and thinking that we were out of danger, we felt like we’d had a large weight lifted off our shoulders.  Throughout most of the next day, my symptoms had mostly subsided and we fully believed we were past that tough patch. 

But then, Friday morning, the unthinkable happened.  I delivered my baby.  We held the baby in our hands and prayed over it.  It was a perfect little baby with the sweetest long arms & legs, formed eyes, fingers and toes.  It was an unreal sight and one that I’ll never forget.  Ever.  I keep having flashbacks to that morning and seeing every little detail of its life-less little body in my hands.  Each and every time, I fall apart.

That night I remember thinking, how can this be??  I had my sweet baby living in my womb last night and tonight it’s empty.  Why Lord did it have to go to Heaven?? Why?

I’ve cried too many times to count.

I’m mad.

Sad.

Empty.

Confused.

I just miss my baby so badly.

This week was rough.  I’ve tried so hard to be strong, to be joyous that I was blessed with another baby for almost 3 months, to be thankful – thankful for the many blessings in my life.  And – I am.  I’m so very thankful.  But, at this time, I’m nowhere near strong.  In fact, I’m as weak as I’ve ever been.

I am completely broken.

Weeping at every thought of that morning and replaying the events in my head.

I rejoice for our two sweet healthy boys, and I so badly want to be strong in this difficult time, but I’m aching.  Feeling so raw and vulnerable.  

I don’t know how long these emotions will last, but I’m okay with it.  My baby’s life deserves to be grieved.  I’m going to let myself grieve for as long as I need to, while also trying hard to stay focused on our two sweet boys that need our attention and trying to keep their lives as normal as possible.  It often feels like I’m just going through the motions of life right now because I have to, not because I want to.  If I had it my way, I'd want to lay in bed, cry, mourn for my baby to be with me and then pray that I’ll soon wake up from this dream.  

All the while, I KNOW our God is so great, and I know in my heart that He has a redemption story for us + He will restore us.  I don’t know what that will look like, but I look forward to finding out, because I know it will be perfect and exactly what we’ll need. 

Until then, I’ll continue to pray that He will lay his hand over me and heal my broken heart.  Romans 8:28: "I know He has purpose in even the things I cannot understand." ♥️

Throughout this week, we’ve received an outpouring of love from family and close friends in the way of flowers and meals delivered to our doorstep, calls, texts, messages and visits.  Having never endured something like this, the thoughtfulness of these things has been a true blessing and a stark reminder of just how loved we really are.  So, to all of you who’ve sent such love our way, thank you, thank you so very much.

Soon, we’ll receive some test results that’ll include our baby’s gender.  Taking some advice from a great friend who’s also suffered a similar loss, as soon as we know the gender, we plan to give him or her a name so that he/she can be treated like the real baby he/she is to us.

To all of the mommas and families who’ve gone through the loss of a baby or child, before birth or at any other time, I now know much more about your pain and sorrow.  I hope and pray all of you are able to fully recover from those sad days, and I’m confident we’ll all rejoin our littles who await our arrivals in Heaven. 

To those of you who find it helpful to share your own experiences or the things you did or wish you’d done when trying to get beyond your own tragedies, please feel free to share them here.  It may very well be that your loss generates a blessing for someone else, and that someone else may very well be me. 

To our sweet heavenly baby,

Your mama is so thankful that I was chosen to spend 11 weeks + 1 day feeding you, taking care of you, protecting you and thinking of you every day.  I got to lay eyes on you outside the womb and you were so perfect.  Even though I won’t get to spend earthly life with you, I’ll see you one day and I can’t wait to run straight to you and wrap my mama arms around you for the first time.  It's going to be a glorious feeling.  I love you my sweet baby so very much and our family will love you the same.  Until we meet again....